To my son…

I’ve spent my entire life imagining what things will be like, and they very rarely turn out exactly as I saw in my minds eye.

Like when I was a kid and we were going on holiday, I’d build a picture in my mind…and then I’d get there and it would be different than I’d pictured. But way better! It’s getting harder to let my imagination run riot though with trip advisor and google. Why imagine, when I can just look it up?

Some things can’t be controlled by the internet though. And when I imagined myself becoming a mummy, I always imagined the baby would be a girl, I don’t know why, I had nothing against boys, but I guess I always assumed I’d have a much closer bond with a little girl.

So when I found out I was having you back at my 20 week scan in January 2014, I was still excited and I certainly wasn’t disappointed, I just had to adjust the picture of you in my mind slightly.

As per my imagined holiday campsites of my childhood, I failed to anticipate how completely awesome you’d be. I needn’t have worried about the bond because you were always the cuddliest little baby, usually found splashed out asleep across my chest at social gatherings, and you became an adorable, mischievous  little toddler.

I really wasn’t mentally prepared for the terrible two’s, I knew they existed but I guess I thought we’d bypass them because you’d been so good so far. We didn’t bypass them of course, and I’m sorry for all the times I’ve lost my shit with you. I realise now you were just doing whatever it was to get my attention, so I’m trying to be more patient and more fun. I can see the sheer delight in your face when I decide to loosen up a little and just have a laugh with you, rather than worrying about the state of the house or what time it is.

The other night when you cried out and asked to come in to my bed, I let you, because there’s no better feeling in the world than when your little arms snake up around my neck for a cuddle. Admittedly your cuddles sometimes feel more like a headlock but I get the gist, my darling little boisterous boy. Daddy was away, so you had 5 feet of a 6 foot bed to play with but you just wanted to be pressed against me in the 1 foot of space you’d allocated for me. And in truth, I loved it.

And when you looked up at me earnestly at the seal hospital in the Sea Life centre last week and said “those poorly seals just need their mummies” my heart melted just a bit more, and I know it will continue to melt and also swell with pride and amazement at you.

I’ve got the daughter I always pictured now, as well as you, and you’re both completely amazing. My picture was just missing a piece, which contained this whole spectrum of happiness I didn’t know existed.

I know that one day you won’t want to cuddle me anymore and one day, you’ll probably meet someone else who will become your number one, but you’ll always be my special little man, the one who showed me that I could do this mummy gig, even when I really doubted myself.
I hope you continue to be the crazy whirlwind I affectionately nicknamed Hurricane Thomas, and also the sweet, affectionate, wide eyed little boy too. I love you SO much, you gorgeous little creature, I hope you always know it.

Love, mummy.xxxxx


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